Article by Jae with contribution by guest contributor Tina Su
If you had MASSIVE amounts of confidence in yourself, how would your life be different right now?
What would be different in your career? How would your relationships change?
No matter who you are, you can build unstoppable confidence.
Building self-confidence is something that most people leave to chance. Many settle for the belief that as you get older you’ll just automatically grow in confidence through “experience.”
But waiting for external factors to give you confidence is like building your house on sandy ground. When the flood comes, your house will be washed away and left in ruins.
The majority of men who are active in the dating scene are a good example of this common approach. They try to attract as many women as possible, allowing their confidence with women to grow only when they attract a better woman than their last.
This approach may work, but this type of confidence reveals itself to be weak further down the road.
This type of confidence is built on external validation from women and the responses received, and not from within, and so when the flood comes, their confidence goes with it.
For example, one day a woman might shatter their ego by leaving them for another man, or worse, telling them they are not satisfying any of their needs.
At this point most men will start to doubt their worth and their confidence level will drop tremendously, and it’ll affect the way they approach future relationships. Some men may even find it impossible to recover after they’ve been burned really badly.
The men who are really exceptional with women have an unshakable difference. Their confidence is not grounded upon past experience or external validation, but their confidence is built on the belief that no matter what happens, they can trust that they’ll handle it and take immediate correct action.
So the confidence doesn’t come from how many women you can attract, but comes from being a man who is always moving towards his goals and being unshaken by the inevitable ups and downs of living life.
You can build unstoppable confidence by maintaining a high level of TRUST with yourself. All you have to do is consistently follow through with the tasks you assign yourself. Nothing will give you more belief in yourself than being a highly self-directed person.
A Closer Look at Confidence
Self-confidence = how much we like ourselves.
How much we like ourselves = level of self-dominion.
What is self-dominion? It’s our ability to get ourselves to actually do what we want ourselves to do; in other words, self-discipline and self-trust.
A man who has dominion over themselves has self-integrity – staying true to their words and commitments.
Every time we fail to listen to our inner voice, and do not take action in something that we need to, we lose trust with ourselves and our abilities. This lack of self faith continues to spiral downwardly as we flounder to control ourselves.
How to Begin Building Your Unstoppable Confidence
We’re all familiar with the concept of momentum. When we do something well, regardless of how small the task, we build positive energy and momentum.
The more we proactively direct ourselves and succeed at doing so, we create momentum that sets us on an upward spiral towards unstoppable confidence.
For example, if you just make calls to all of your clients, clean your entire car, and mow the lawn, it will be easier for you – psychologically – to quickly move on to and complete the next task. You will have built the momentum necessary to getting things done, and you are simply riding on that energy and building on previous successes.
On the flip side, when we put off what we want to do or know we should do, we lose momentum, and more importantly, we lose trust in ourselves.
A great way to view this is to imagine that we have a personal assistant. The better they perform on the tasks assigned to them, the more confident we will feel towards their abilities to handle responsibility. Gradually, we will assign more important tasks to them as trust is established. We now have faith in their abilities to follow through. We trust them.
Conversely, if our assistant procrastinates or complete misses deadlines regularly, we will lose faith in their abilities to follow through. We stop trusting them. We stop giving them tasks (at least the important ones), and we start to look for a replacement assistant.
Now, think of ourselves as our own assistant. The more we follow through with actions, the more confidence and trust we’ll establish with ourselves. We will then gain faith in our ability to handle more.
The small wins with ourselves, directly affect how much we like ourselves. Each time we successfully follow through, we build trust in ourselves to keep pushing forward beyond our current comfort zone.
Your ability to take control of yourself and move towards your heart’s deepest desires will give you loads more confidence than any external factors like how much money you have, the car you drive, or how many women flirt with you can ever give you.
13 Tips for Building Momentum
In order to build your self-esteem, you must establish yourself as the master of your own life. Every single minute of your life is a moment you can change for the better.
Most people get stuck when they try to do more than they can handle at the current moment. The trick is to start with where you’re at and go one notch above what you’re comfortable doing.
If you find that you’re on a path towards losing more confidence each day, here are 13 tips to build your momentum towards unstoppable confidence:
1. Start Small - Start with something you can do immediately and easily. When we begin with small successes, we build momentum to gain more confidence in our abilities. Each completed task, regardless of how small, is a building block towards a more confident you. What are some small actions you can take immediately to demonstrate that you are capable of achieving goals you’ve set for yourself? For example, clean out your closet, organize your papers, pay all your bills, or just make that call to that girl already.
2. Create a Compelling Vision – Use the power of your imagination. Create an image of yourself as the confident and self-assured person you aspire to become. When you are this person, how will you feel? How will others perceive you? What does your body language look like? How will you talk? See these clearly in your mind’s eye, with your eyes closed. Feel the feelings, experience being and seeing things from that person’s perspective. Practice doing this for 10 minutes every morning. Put on music in the background that either relaxes you, or excites you. When you are done, write a description of this person and all the attributes you’ve observed.
3. Do Something that Scares You – As with all skills, we get better with practice and repetition. The more often we proactively do things that scare us, the less scary these situations will seem, and eventually will be rid of that fear.
4. Socialize - Get out of the house or setup a lunch date with a friend. Socializing with others will give us opportunities to connect with other people, and practice our communication and interpersonal skills.
5. Set Goals - According to a study done at Virginia Tech, 80% of Americans say they don’t have goals. And the people who regularly write down their goals earn nine times as much over their lifetime as people who don’t. By setting goals that are clear and actionable, you have a clear target of where you want to be. When you take action towards that goal, you’ll build more confidence and self-esteem in your abilities to follow through.
6. Do Something You Are Good At – What are you especially good at or enjoy doing? Regularly doing things that you are good at reinforces your belief in your abilities and strengths. I (Tina) can be very efficient with completing errands or administrative work. Whenever I have a few hours filled with ways in which I’ve maximized my time, I feel highly productive and this boosts the confidence have in my abilities as an organized and efficient person.
7. Get Clarity on Life Areas - Get clarity on the life area that needs the most attention. Your self-esteem is the average of your self-concept in all the major areas of your life. Write down all the major categories of your life, e.g., health, relationships, finance, etc. Then rate yourself on a scale of 1-10 in each area. Work on the lowest numbered category first, unless they are all even. Each area affects the other areas. The more you build up each area of your life, the higher your overall self-esteem.
8. Help Others Feel Good About Themselves - Help somebody or teach them something. When you help other people feel better about themselves and like themselves more, it will make you feel good about yourself. See what you can do to make others feel good or trigger them to smile. Maybe giving them a genuine compliment, helping them with something or telling them what you admire about them.
9. Create a Plan - Having a goal alone won’t do much. Get clarity on your action items. One of the biggest reasons people get lazy is because they don’t have a plan to achieve their goals. They don’t know what the next step is and start to wander off randomly. When you’re baking a cake, it’s a lot easier to follow a set of clear instructions, than randomly throwing ingredients together.
10. No More Comparisons - Stop comparing yourself to other people. Low-self esteem stems from the feeling of being inferior. For example, if you were the only person in the world, do you think you could have low-self esteem? Self-esteem only comes into the picture when there are other people around us and we perceive that we are inferior. Don’t worry about what your neighbor is doing. Accept that it’ll serve you more to just go down your own path at your own pace rather than to compare yourself. Pretend you’re starting over and begin immediately with the smallest step forward.
11. Get Motivated - Read something inspirational, listen to something empowering, talk to someone who can uplift our spirits, who can motivate us to become a better person, to live more consciously, and to take proactive steps towards creating a better life for ourselves and our families.
12. Getting External Compliments - As funny as this point suggests, go find a friend or family member and ask them “What do you like about me?” “What are my strengths?” or “What do you love about me?” We will often value other people’s opinions more than our own. We are the best at beating ourselves up for things not done well, and we are the worst at recognizing what we’ve done well in. Hearing from another person our strengths and positive qualities helps to build a more positive image of ourselves.
13. Affirmations & Introspection - Use affirmations, but in the right way. Some people think that when they’re in a slump, using positive affirmations will help them get out of it. I love affirmations, but I’ve realized you have to use them in the right way. Sitting on your couch and saying “I am highly motivated and productive” does nothing. Say something like “I am sitting here being very unproductive right now, is this the ideal me? What would be my best self?” Your affirmations have to be the TRUTH. Once you’re honest, take the first step towards doing the thing, no matter how small.
Self-confidence thrives on self-dominion. The more power you have in getting yourself to take the right actions, the more self-confidence you will have. Your level of self-confidence affects your happiness and everything you do.
** What did you do the last time you fell into a slump? What has been effective for you in developing your self-confidence? Share your thoughts and stories in the comment section. See you there!
This article was written by Jae with contribution from Tina Su. Check out Tina’s website: Think Simple Now, a candidly written lifestyle blog that focuses on finding clarity, motivation, creativity and personal happiness.