(Gattaca is one of my favorite movies, where the main character Vincent - a “degenerate” - achieves the impossible in a world where genetics are everything)
Have you ever felt insecure about the way you look? Or wished a part of your face looked different? Whether you believe yourself to be ugly, average, or handsome we’ve all felt insecure about our looks at some point.
We live in a society that defines beauty to us through everything from advertisements to scientific studies about facial symmetry. Most of us grow up believing that how attractive we are as people has so much to do with our physical qualities.
As an image coach I see so many people out there who build their confidence solely on their outer appearance.
The perception we have of ourselves fuels our confidence, and those who build their worth on mostly physical appearance have their self-esteem set on a sandy foundation.
A Bit of My Story…
I would not call myself a great looking guy by today’s standards. I consider myself to be pretty average looking.
Back when I was in highschool, I envied the guy that all the girls wanted for his “hotness.” He was a handsome guy, and he didn’t even have to do anything to have all the girls talking about him. It just didn’t seem fair.
I thought I could never become that attractive to women, but during school I met a friend who was average looking like me, who all the girls loved. It gave me hope and I made an effort to surround myself with these type of guys to learn what was so attractive about them.
I realized that their personality and character was more engaging and interesting to the girls than looks alone could ever be, and so I started to work relentlessly on my own attractive qualities like making people have fun and laugh around me.
I didn’t just do this for the women, but I wanted to prove to myself and all the other average looking guys out there that there is no reason why we can’t be the most attractive guys in a room. Even without being physically “hot” we could be “hot” through different ways.
Lessons from My Journey…
Here is a summary of lessons I’ve learned through this experience:
- Really good looking guys tend to attract a lot of shallow women, who just want them for sex or validation. This may serve them for short term gains, but unless they have great character, they will rarely keep women past the sexual fling. I’ve know many guys who get laid often but are still left totally unfulfilled because they haven’t experienced a genuine relationship. They are rarely motivated to proactively build their character beyond their looks because they’re always tempted to fall back on what easily works for them. Thus, the type of women they attract usually lose attraction for them after sex unless she gets a lot of validation from being around the guy. The same goes for women who have been highly attractive all of their life - usually a lot of them lack depth. It’s rare to meet ones with a well-rounded personality because they usually get everything they want through their looks. And because they don’t have much else going for them, men use them as trophy girlfriends, often ending in shallow and broken relationships.
- Average looking guys have the potential to attract the same, if not higher quality women than the genetically gifted. They can consider themselves the lucky ones because they have areas they can build that most good-looking guys in this world will rarely be motivated to.
- Being physically “hot” only touches the first layer of attraction
- If you’re looking for deep attraction, it can only happen through an expression of who you are on the inside
- Everyone has infinite potential to become more attractive through different channels
Showcasing Your Strengths
Any guy can showcase different areas of themselves to get that one-up on the genetically “gifted.” Throw away your social conditioning that you have to be the best looking guy, because all you have to do is build and naturally express your other strengths.
Here are some areas of yourself you can showcase:
- Humor – Ever notice that a group usually centers around the funniest guy? They say laughter is like a massage to a woman’s soul. Make a girl laugh and have fun around you all the time, and you’ll have the upper hand over all the lifeless guys out there. Stay away from self-deprecating, dirty, and obnoxious jokes. Some harmless teasing always goes a long way.
- Adventure – Secretly everyone wants someone to lead the way to something exciting and different. Create some positive disturbance in people’s routines and they’ll love you for adding some variety into their lives. For example, do some quick research to find the hidden gem restaurants your city or town is known for, then make it a little event by touring all the hot spots.
- Intelligence – Intelligence isn’t just about knowing a lot of things, because most of it could be useless. But if intelligence is your strength, then take your girl or group of friends out to a fun context that will showcase it. For example, take everyone out to a trivia night at the bar and the girls will have a riot as you proceed to destroy the room with your knowledge. Caveat: just be careful with showcasing intelligence because it’s something that should only be revealed through people drawing it out of you, through questions or topics that are brought up in conversation.
- Wisdom– Wisdom only comes through experience and personal development. This is a natural after effect of going out there and pushing yourself past your comfort zones. If you have some life experiences under your belt, grab a bottle of wine and two glasses and take a girl to a quiet location to muse about your past stories, life, the universe, and everything. She’ll think you’re both romantic and extremely wise at the same time.
- Ambition– A man who is highly ambitious and growing at exponential rates will always feel like one of the most attractive people in any group. He’ll find that he might have to “upgrade” his friends because he just can’t seem to relate anymore with his friends who are now on a path separate from his. The kind of confidence that comes from self-development exudes in every interaction.
- Leadership - Ever have those moments …”Hey what do you guys want to do?” “Uhhh don’t know…what do YOU want to do? Grab the wheel and take initiative for the group, even go as far as organizing an average Friday night out for your friends - they will thank you for it and the women will remember it.
- Body – You may not have a face that can grace the cover of Vogue, and there is little you can do about it. But you can work on sculpting your body to become more attractive. Work your body hard and show it off with some fitted clothing, or set a beach date. It showcases your discipline and willpower, not to mention women will find it sexy.
- Fashion – The way you dress can transform you from being seen as a dork to a stud. Build a style that reflects every quality that you want to express and make sure that never leave the house without looking your best. A great ideas it to go shopping with your female friends and give each other feedback on outfits. It’s awesome having a female perspective and they love the male perspective as well. I take it very lightly and try to make it fun by giving girls ridiculous outfits to try on and taking pictures of them doing silly poses.
Steps for Becoming Highly Attractive
Think of your personality as a pie chart that other people can examine. What’s your most attractive quality?
Have you ever been attracted to someone based on one great quality they had? Maybe it was their positivity. Maybe every time you were around them you laughed and had a good time. Maybe you learned massive amounts of interesting stuff whenever you were around them.
Here are some steps to reaching your next level of attractiveness:
1. Question: What do you consider some of your best qualities?
We’ve all been complimented on one thing. Maybe you’re the funny one in a group, or maybe you’re known for tearing up the dance floor. Whatever it is, articulate your strength points. Write them down. After you’ve got a few, pick one that people find attractive about you. If you’re not sure about it, ask a friend what your best quality is and what they love most about you.
2. Cultivate Your Strength Areas
You already have the upper hand over many guys in your strength area, and if you build it to maximum capacity you’ll have a monopoly over all the guys out there. ; ]
3. Pick One Weak Point About Yourself
What’s one area of yourself that you haven’t really focused on, but you’ve always wanted to be a strength? If you could have any quality in the world, what would it be? Is it self-discipline? A healthier body? The ability to make more people laugh? To be able to lead a group? List a few weak points you would like to change, and then pick the one that you think would best supplement your strength area. For example, if you were both adventurous, and humorous, that would be one great combination.
4. Begin Building on Your Weakest Point Immediately
You already have a strength area, but you need to be a little more well-rounded. Create a plan to immediately start building on your weak point. Whether it’s getting a taking a seminar, reading a book, or partnering with a personal coach, take that immediate step to build that weak point. If you’re looking to become funnier guy, buy a book on humor, get a comedy tape, or immediately make plans with one of your more humorous friends to soak up some lessons.
Attractiveness is not limited to your genes. Do it your way.
How important do you think natural looks are to attraction? Share in the comment section!
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Great post as always Jae - I’d like to add that genetics doesn’t really matter (unless you’re seriously handicapped). It’s only a starting hand. The rest of the game is determined more by how you play it.
Hi Jae - you broach a very controversial topic. I think genetic looks do matter, and in so far as it sets someone back, I am with you that it actually gives the individual an opportunity to cultivate other aspects of themselves.
Perhaps one day this world will turn into one like Gattaca of genetic predetermination. Till then, we make due. : )
Trivia nights are really gold. A little alcohol + trivia = craziness. And I own that up!
Gattaca is one of my favs as well. Anyways, this article is resoundingly true.
Great article Jae - you’re right - looks is a curse and a blessing in that while it may give you that initial attention, it spoils you in a sense to rest on its laurels.
Freaking love it Jae! You always give me food for thought for the weekend. It’s like evolution…people who are blessed with a POWER trait like good looks and it just SUFFICES…the rest of the area kind of fades away like vestigial organs. The problem is…they aren’t useless, in fact, after the first few meetings w/ a woman, looks become a lot less significant, and everything else– humor, ambition, depth of character become EXPONENTIALLY more important.
Another awesome post Jae - I think a lot of men disqualify themselves even before they start talking to women because of this one limiting mindset that without genetic looks you’re not “qualified.”
I don’t consider myself good looking, but I do agree with you that it has pushed me to really develop other areas of myself like my ambition.
It’s funny because whenever I’m with my good looking friends and we start talking about politics (obama!) or careers the girls turn to me like I’m the authority.
Hi Jae - I agree with you here. So much of attraction is about knowing how to showcase your strengths. The thing about good looks is that it showcases itself.
Since I’ve worked on my fashion and style through Kinowear, it’s been crazy how much a difference it’s made in terms of attraction. Women just see me differently.
The thing is. The Prettiest girls are usually the most shallow ones and they will go for the really good looking guy…
So if you’re looking for a pretty girl, whether she’s shallow or not, then really good looking guys have it easier…
Girls also worry too much about validation, so if being around a guy that is not good looking gets her friends telling her ‘you’re too pretty for him’ etc etc that kind of thing, she will eventually believe it.
That’d be an immature woman but a woman anyway…
So yes good looking guys have it easier, but good looking guys with nothing on their heads are as good as a log.
Great post. It’s funny because I had this conversation with a bunch of my girl friends the other day about how genetically beautiful people tend to be “shallow” in terms of their personality. You are spot on when you say that it’s often because they’ve been getting by on just their looks for all their life….
I love this post! niceeee : )
This is exactly why I love this site.
This article is epic. Great job Jae
I’m so happy you decide to write about stuff like this on an image blog. In a world of superficiality and bullshit, you keep it real.
Awesome!!!! I love this article. The only thing I disagree with is, that hot people are necessarily shallow, especially hot girls. That’s a common stereotype, and maybe a slightly bitter/jealous one too. Hot girls can have incredible depth if you can crack through their bitch shields.
I have traveled, been in the entertainment business - I know the world and am blessed to have lived the life that I have. I have to say in my travels that looks do count. They count like a college degree. They will get you in the door but they may not keep you in that “job” - you have to perform.
Height is another thing all together. I am a little below average height and it is a deal breaker often. Women will go for taller men and no matter what people in the community will tell you (and its usually the taller instructors), height is a major thing to women.
So what does one do about this? Well they really have to have tight game and work the percentages. They need to accept that the tall swedish blonde 6ft model may not be their cup of tea so go after the 5′7 hot blonde or brunette - that can work. This is not limiting beliefs and life is not a hollywood movie - its just reality. Now there are cases were you will see a guy say 5′7 with a 6ft chick, it happens and Presidents are elected with no resume…the name of the game is game and you need to really hone your strengths whether it be humor, music, sports, magic - whatever it is there is a hottie out there that will appreciate it but you will need to be good…at least most of the time…
Thanks
Kelso i think you are right
Well i always thought i was ugly and boring in high school because of the way the girls treated me.
Then I was done with high school, i still had the same face but i met this bunch of girls and friends of my friends that were really hot
I remember some friends telling me ’she is out of your league’
After I was done with high school I read so much and knew so much stuff that these girls found me a fun friend to hang out and then they even dated me and I was only 19 and some people wouldn’t believe it :p.
I am 5′7 skinny and average looking Venezuelan (so i was an average Latin guy and girls over here go for blonds) and I was stealing the girls off my blond 6′2 friends.
So I relate a lot to Jae in his article.
And still when we go out, girls usually look at them but then after a while they end up talking to me, which is fine I have come to accept that, it doesn’t mean that they like me any less.
So yes I agree with this article, and yes I agree that some girls will only go for taller guys and that’s really shallow IMO, but shallowness can be tackled down by charm.
Jae, or anyone else, do you think this theory applies in high school? I beleive in older life looks will get you through the door, but its tight game that will keep you there, but i think in high school looks count for a lot more.
Your thoughts?
I dont agree with the premise of the whole ho-lala. You said:
“Men have to get it out of our heads that without good looks, they can’t get the most beautiful woman in the room. It’s just a sad excuse for laziness.”
Well, why aim for only the most beautiful woman in the room? When one just bases his opinion on beauty and not character, you have a wrong reason for going after someone- which itself interfers with your philosophy of all the ‘qualities’ talk.
So I think it is important to play it honest and look beyond physical beauty of women…. yes, hit it but dont just base your choice on physical beauty.
When I think of a girl who you might just miss with your approach, Michelle Obama comes to my mind…check her out- she is a strong woman and though she is not very beautiful, she ozzes confidence and character… So I think it is important to think beyond physical beauty.
Great post, I’ll keep reading this blog. ^_^
Thanks before
Rizq
Common, of course, we want the hottest woman deep in our hearts
Not necessary have to tell it to everyone lol
Avi,
Whatever “beautiful” is to a guy is their own definition. I definitely don’t mean just looks. Whatever “beautiful” is to you, there is no reason you can’t get her. A guy may not be able to at this moment, but he’ll always have the potential too.
Anyways, I took out that sentence to avoid any confusion. ;]
Meow, I think it’s true that highschool girls may be more shallow, but only because they don’t have much experience with guys, and don’t really know what they want yet. Junior/senior year is usually when people hang out more and they start to understand more of what they like in others beyond the superficial.
Hey Jae,
Great article, I enjoyed reading it. Extensive, thorough and totally value-giving. I linked to it on my blog.
Thanks for writing this.
WOWWWWWWWW. Fantastic article. I do not like long blog articles but yours was an exception. Every point you discussed was true and on target.
Excellent information in this article. Gattaca is also one of my favourite films too.
From my experience, I’ve been out with a group where some of the girls were attracted to older guys & looks didn’t matter much to them. Some of the girls only wanted hot young guys with washboard abs.
I think individual tastes differ & can change over time, however, when the tables are turned, it seams most guys will go for the hot girls & will tolerate a poor or even non existent personality in a girl.
Would a guy of any age pass up a flighty 20 year old woman for a well travelled, business owning, experienced woman if her looks have lost the battle to gravity? Count yourself lucky you were born a guy, women aren’t as shallow as us… thank God!