A while back, one of my friends was telling me a story - the topic of the story was not particularly interesting – but the way that he told the story kept me so engaged that not even a grenade blowing through the wall of the room could have distracted me.

I was on the edge of my seat, grinning from ear to ear, and laughing uncontrollably at certain moments. And this wasn’t the first time this happened, so I became convinced that my friend had some sort of magical gift for sucking people into his reality, and I wanted to figure out how he did it.

He wasn’t just good at speaking to a small group, I’m talking about having a whole room filled with dozens of people captivated by what he was saying. He could convince a whole party to move to another location or get everyone laughing in a few seconds. It was like he was the main event everyone came to see, and those who met him for the first time, NEVER forgot who he was.

I asked him what his approach was and all he told me was that trying to explain it was like trying to explain to someone how to whistle - it’s just one of those things you can only learn with practice.

His answer wasn’t good enough for me, I still didn’t know WHAT to practice.  I wanted to have the skill to keep an entire group of people engaged and interested in what I was saying, make a whole room laugh, or sway a decision in my favor.

I studied other great speakers and comedians who knew how to keep an entire stadium full of people focused on what they were saying. Not only focused, but clearly understanding and really connecting with them. As I did this, I started to see clear patterns, and began testing out what I learned.

So after years of piecing together what works, I’m going to share a simple concept that can make all the difference in leading a team, attracting a woman, or building rapport with a whole group of people.

Let’s get to it.

Using different channels of communication

In order to really engage someone in conversation, you have to first understand their dominant “channel of communication.”

Each one of us has our own ways of understanding and communicating with others. For example, some people are more visual and need to SEE things in their mind, some understand better just by LISTENING to someone talk, and others try to FEEL how another person may be feeling by putting themselves in their shoes.

We all use these most common channels of communication, but each of us has a channel we go to first - just like you would automatically use your right hand to pick something up if you are a righty.

Personally, when I’m listening to someone talk, I always put myself in their shoes and focus on feeling the same emotions as they do to understand them better. I’ve especially had to do this a lot with the women I’ve dated, and over the years this really become my dominant channel in which I connected with people.

I do this so much that recently I found myself not talking for a long time in a social setting. When asked a question, my answer almost made no sense, because I was still stuck in the mode of “feeling” out the environment around me. I automatically tune into this channel first because I enjoy listening to others and really getting to know them, but at any moment I can snap myself out of it and get into my talkative mode.

You can usually tell what a person’s dominant form of communication is by the way they talk. If they are more visual, they usually say things like “Picture this,” or “Can’t you see what I’m talking about?” They’ll also talk a lot faster because they don’t really care how they’re sounding at the moment -  they know that as long as they make the picture clear you’ll understand them.

Someone who is more in tune with their emotions will talk more slowly, pause for emphasis, and usually look down or to the side when explaining something to you. If they’re going back to a past event, they try to feel the emotions that they felt during that time.

Speak in their language

Once you realize a person’s dominant form of communication, you can more easily relate to them.

I have a friend who will always try to get a point across through analogies. In fact, he likes using analogies so much that he’ll use it even for the smallest things like, “I was at the doctor’s today to get the flu shot, and as I was getting ready to get the shot he asked me this random question, and before I could even answer it he had already given me the shot and I didn’t even realize. It’s kind of like when a mosquito lands on you, and bites you, but you have no idea.”

“Yeah, I know exactly what you mean,” I said.

When I’m talking about something important I’ll always use analogies to get across to him, and whenever I do this he ALWAYS understands.

Another one of my friends likes to draw things out. He’ll take out a pen and draw a diagram on a napkin or stick figures to represent the people that he’s talking about. If you ever asked him for directions, he’s the type that will draw you the most elaborate map on a napkin, instead of just telling you.

So if I have a pen on hand, I’ll start showing him what I’m talking about by drawing it out on a napkin or a notebook, this always gets him on the same page as me. Sometimes he’ll take what I drew and expand on it, and we’ll keep going back and forth like that.

The more you speak in another person’s common channel, the more likely they’ll keep tuned into what you’re saying, understand you clearly, and feel that much more connected to you.

If you’re telling a story, the key is to replicate reality as much as possible.

Compare a movie that is black and white with no sound, to a 3D motion picture with surround sound and real color high definition picture quality. Which one is more likely to keep an audience engaged?

Infuse emotion into what you’re saying through your facial expressions, your gestures, your eyes, your body language, and your voice. Paint a clear picture with descriptive words, “I tripped on a rock and fell into this huge puddle of mud, and when I got up I felt this long worm wiggling down my leg…” (this is where everyone squirms and wants to hear what happens next)

So when you’re one on one with someone, try to speak in their most dominant mode of communication at the time. Are they very visual? Do they try to a paint a picture for you all the time? Or do they always describe how they are feeling? Whether you’re on a first date or having a business meeting, you’ll build instant rapport and they’ll love you for communicating the way they do.

When you’re in a group setting, the key is to use as MANY channels of communication as possible to keep everyone engaged.

For example, at a big conference or seminar, speakers will use all the technology they can to engage as many people as possible. They’ll use microphones and huge speakers to be heard clearly, and even play music to get people emotionally excited. They’ll use pictures, diagrams, videos, and even have their face on the huge screen so that people can see their facial expressions and body language more clearly. This way, they cover as many channels of communication as they can to get their message across.

When writing my articles, I try to use pictures, and video, and other channels so that more people will understand. Some people just hate reading, and would rather watch a video, especially in this YouTube generation. If a picture is worth a thousand words, than a video is worth a million.

When you’re out socializing, as often as you can, paint a visual picture, use sound effects, use descriptive words, use analogies and metaphors, talk about how you’re feeling, and use all the senses to describe things to get people excited and engaged about what you’re saying.

For example, here’s a silly way that I engaged a big group while we were deciding where to eat last week: “Guys, I’ve discovered a restaurant the serves the most delicious, mouth-watering burgers on this planet. These burgers are actually famous for being ginormous, it’s like half the size of your head, and when you bite into it, there comes an explosion of juicy goodness in your mouth. It can get messy as the juices are dripping down the side of your mouth, but it’s SO worth it. Let’s GO.”

Now as I was saying this I was also using my hands and gesturing like I was eating a burger, using sound effects like “mMmm…” Everyone’s eyes were getting huge and I swear one of my friend’s started drooling after I was done talking. The girls were laughing and everyone was sold into going, and we all had a great time at the restaurant.

If you want to see a master of hitting all “channels of communication”, watch comedian Dane Cook.

Here’s a great example:

Notice how he uses his body to illustrate, uses sound effects, uses descriptive and colorful language, and makes you feel like you were there by even reenacting parts of the story for you. I don’t know if you like Dane Cook or not, but I respect the man for being able to keep a whole stadium full of people on the edge of their seats, engaged and entertained.

Mastering this one skill will ensure that you captivate an audience (big or small) and make a lasting impression on anyone.

I’d like to hear your thoughts on this, please share in the comments below!