Wow, Alec Baldwin’s character is the definition of arrogance in this clip…
Confidence vs. Arrogance
We’re all well aware that women want a man that projects an image of confidence and self-assurance. The question is, do we go out of our way to display it, or does it naturally display itself? How does one properly show confidence, and where does it tread into arrogance?
We’re going to do something different in this article and create an open discussion. Here are some quotes and videos as food for thought. I’d love to hear your opinions in the comment area. I’ll be chatting with you there. Let’s dive right into this.
Confidence
(Do you think Tyler here is being confident? At some points arrogant?)
These are some quotes that other people have said regarding confidence:
Confident people have a broader sphere of influence, and earn more loyalty and respect than those who just use bravado.”
If what you’re seeking is lasting relationships, long-term success and quality of life in all areas then you will be better served to forego the pompous acts of the arrogant for the humility and quiet confidence displayed by true leaders.”
Confident people are totally okay with other people knowing nothing about what they have accomplished.”
The truth is that being an arrogant person may serve you in the short term, it rarely relates in lasting relationships built on a foundation of loyalty and trust. Arrogant people will usually find themselves surrounded by lots of fair-weather friends who try to exploit them for things, but at the first sign of trouble all you will see is their backs as they run for the hills.”
I think you can always tell how confident a person is about themselves by the way they respect or treat the ‘little people,’ they never look like they are trying hard to impress other people, and never put others down around them to come out the better person.”
Arrogance
I think it’s okay to be arrogant as long as you’re getting the desired outcomes you want.”
Arrogance is fine, it conveys a sense of power to control situations and others which is essential in leadership.”
Accomplished people naturally come off as arrogant.”
Being both a cocky and funny guy is one of the surefire ways to spark attraction with women.”
Share Your Thoughts
I realize that this is a very controversial subject, especially to those who consider themselves confident or have been called arrogant. Share your thoughts on this subject! I’m going to get as many women as I can to join in on this conversation, so ask your girl friends to share their input as well.
Here are some questions to start off a discussion:
Do you think arrogance ever pays off?
When does confidence turn into arrogance?
To the women out there:
Do you think cocky or arrogant guys are attractive?
What is the difference to you between an arrogant guy and a confident guy?
See you in the comments!
Jae
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hey Jae, here’s what I think the difference is between confidence and arrogance: A confident person knows who they are, likes himself, and believes that everybody will like him just for who they are. An arrogant person does not like himself or does not truly believe that people can be ok with their identity.
Just my two cents
I think that while your words are important, actions will always speak louder.
I will always tell the truth, usually in an arrogant way, but I will never really hurt someone I care about with my word, and if I do I will always be the first to say I’m sorry. Life is to short for power games or grudges about your ego.
Also, when I speak about actions I mean little drops of humility and kindness that you sprinkle through your life.
A real world example that happened recently to me on the train:
I see an old couple unable to lift their luggage into the overhaed storage, I asked the them “Do you need some help?” They said no. My response was “Well I really didn’t want to help It just seemed nice to ask at the time ;^)” Arrogant thing to say, but I did help them with their lugage and made sure that I sat near them and helped them take their stuff of when we arrived at my stop.
This is tooting my own horn, but I sincerely try not to be apathetic and to take a little time to help other and humble myself, because I see that this posses takes my arrogance and grounds it in something real, making me a more confident person.
I actually get called “arrogant” a lot…you’re always going to have lovers and haters…
Is it confidence or arrogance that I have a feeling I inspired this article? lol. =P
Women will generally say they do not like guys who are cocky for two reasons: 1) They are really insecure about themselves 2) The guy is cocky/confident at the expense of others.
If you have to put others down to show that you are good - that isn’t real confidence.
I feel like there are two key points here, and it’s not about arrogance v.s. confidence. Rather, it’s about condescension and insecurity.
If you are condescending, you come off as just an asshole. No good. Pretty much nobody will like you, and if they do, they are just pretending to in order to get what they want.
If you are insecure, you will tend to bring up yourself far too much in conversation. If you have some great accomplishment such as winning a state championship, you would feel the need to bring that up in conversation too much. On the surface it may seem to be pride or confidence, but it’s just a hidden insecurity.
I feel if you avoid these two things, anything in between will work. Quiet confidence? Yes. Cocky and funny? Yes. Being proud of your accomplishments? Yes.
A tricky question indeed! Having been called ‘walking on the fine line between arrogance and confidence’
once I might give it a try to shed some light on this issue.
What gives me confidence in a lot of occasions is to have a plan, to know what my goals are, and how I can achieve them. That knowledge allows me to take charge of the situation and make the people around me feel comfortable with the direction we are taking. And this covers a wide variety of situations; it is the feeling you have which lets you decide to give a girl a kiss on the cheek, the way you envisage commencing a new project at work, etcetera.
This works the other way around, too. If I am clueless or not in charge of my personal situation there is no way I am projecting confidence.
So in a way, confidence is just my outer projection of my inner state.
And that brings me to the 2 main points of distinguishing confidence from arrogance: arrogance is trying to look outwardly confident, but knowing inwardly you are not. And then try to force the natural effect of confidence on other people anyway.
A very interesting topic, I am looking forward to your thoughts!
I’m naturally introverted. So somemtimes I find it hard to make conversation (especailly small talk).
I’ve come accross as arrogant to a lot of people because my body language shows that I’m confident, yet I’m actually quite shy. People just assume that I’m ignoring them.
I think the difference between confidence and arrogance is simply a perception of status. If you convey that you think you’re better than the other person, it’s arrogance. If you convery that you’re equal to the other person, it’s confidence.
It’s an interesting debate and I think the simple, but key difference, between two is that arrogance can be faked and confince can’t (This is why it’s the real deal). I’m just like TH (confident on the outside, but kinda shy/introvert inside) and many times come off as arrogant becouse it’s sometimes hard for me to live up to the image I try to project. However, for me, being arrogant pays off much more than just being shy (inside and outside) and I feel it’s the path you need to take to become confident
Anyway, I think the better question is “How do one become confident?” or maybe it’s something that you need to born with ?
These are some awesome points. I believe so much of arrogance comes from believing that you are a more advanced form of human than everyone else, rather than just further along on the path in whatever area.
Here’s something that a friend said to me about this: “Sometimes people come off as arrogant when they talk about their accomplishments. But when do you guys think it’s okay to talk about your accomplishments?”
I really do agree with one of the comments above that it’s just a matter of security - arrogance is a display of insecurity and confidence one of security.
The character Tyler Durden is the prime example of pure confidence. He represents the person that really couldn’t care less about what others think. He’s just perfectly comfortable. I think confidence is just your level of comfort in a social situation.
Great question - I run into this a lot at my job which is the type run by arrogant people. Most of my coworkers believe in the arrogant approach (like Ari Gold) as a ruthless driver in getting shit done. Whether it’s coming from a place of insecurity or pulling others down is irrelevant to them. It’s also really a culture. America has this super individualistic culture that allows the “I am God” personality. It’s a lot less permissible in communal cultures like Japan.
I think the label of “arrogant” is subjective. A person’s “arrogant” actions may actually be considered as “confidence” to some.
I read somewhere once that people who think others are cocky or arrogant are actually insecure themselves…there’s some food for thought.
to be straight up - people like Ari Gold are HATED by everyone - even if I’m giving them a calm smile, I’m thinking “what a jackass” in my head.
Haha Jennifer,
I think Ari’s character in Entourage, is the perfect example of someone who from the outside seems to make arrogance work. Watching him is hilarious just because he’s so ridiculous, but you’re right - in real life nobody would want to do business with him. People like him rarely have any real friends - they’ll just use him and then run when things get bad.
in my opinion, an arrogant person will not own up to a mistake, whilst a confident person will gladly own up to a mistake.
One lets his/her ego get in their way.
when does such behaviour ever pay off?
Ok so being confident usually means that you’re comfortable with being in your own skin. Being confident does not necessarly mean you have to brag about your life. Simple example, Tyler Durden, I felt, was more confident then arrogant. I felt this way because of the way he was speaking. He was talking to his friend in a very calm voice and showed that he knew exactly what he was talking about. Ari’s character showed complete arrogance because of the way he was speaking and his physical gestures. He was all over the place, he was yelling, AND he bragged about how many clients were waiting for him etc etc. People who are arrogent don’t feel as comfortable in their skin as some confident people do so they need to find a way to portray their confidence in a different way, by bragging about what they’ve accomplished.
I think that confident people have more of a natural way to slip certain accomplishments into an everyday converstation. I personally do not want to hear someone talk about how many degrees he’s got, how many girls he’s fucked, how many famous people they’ve bumped into, etc etc. A confident guy does not need to put all those accomplishments out there to impress a girl. A confident guy, is always himself.
For me, arrogance is one of the least attractive attributes ever. It turns me off almost immediately. I guess it is because it makes the guy come across as being so full of himself, like the whole world revolves around him when it doesn’t.
Even if the guy has the looks, body and style, if he is cocky, he will immediately lose out to some other guy who lacks the looks, body or style but emits that silent confidence, or one who has no confidence at all. I rather be with one like that, then someone who is so full of himself.
The difference between arrogance and confidence, for me is the way he carries himself, the way he walks, his smile and the way he shows his attributes without saying it out.
“Confident people are totally okay with other people knowing nothing about what they have accomplished.”
i think that is true to a certain extent, because, people will find out or realise just how good they really are on their own if they are really that accomplished.
Arrogant people will usually find themselves surrounded by lots of fair-weather friends who try to exploit them for things, but at the first sign of trouble all you will see is their backs as they run for the hills.”
Well, according to that, I’ve got a problem with arrogance. Especially with the exploited by fair weather friends. I’ve been thinking the problem was with who I associated with. I guess now I need to consider the problem is me and do something about it.
Great article, and I can’t wait to see where this discussion goes.
On the subject of accomplishments:
I think this is a big one, and a really hard point. When is it ok to put your accomplishments into conversation?
Let’s say for the sake of argument you don’t bring it up yourself, that the other person asks “What do you do?” and say for example you are a pro athlete (not a personal example).
what would you do? How would you bring yourself down to earth and not appear arrogant?
I love what Tiffany and Jody said about confidence. A lot of guys try to “do” confidence by following some sort of criteria in their mind like “I must do this, show this, say this…to come off as confident” instead of just BEING confident.
If there is no confidence there then we should always try figure out how to get it instead of faking it. The goal is to become your ideal self, through a proper plan, instead of pretending to be who you want to be. Why? Because with all the time spent pretending, where is the time to actually work on becoming? And without being honest about our real place, the speed at which you grow will be as slow as a snail.
Y.K., I think it’s a good to always catch yourself when you’re about to brag about one of your accomplishments. A rule that I set for myself is “Show, before you tell.” But if people ask you what you do or about something, then it’s totally fine, and won’t come off as arrogant unless you jump on that chance to go into unnecessary bragging. The less information the better.
I’m around doctors quite often, and I would say that Baldwin is portraying what is the typical behavior of a surgeon…
When one is arrogant, one takes value from others. Arrogance requires the presence of others in one’s life to compare one’s self to. In the end, arrogance is a failed attempt to camouflage insecurity as bombastic confidence. While arrogance can be attractive at times, it often drives away people of quality and leaves one with those who would leech off of a supposed superiority.
True confidence is being assured of yourself independent of others. True confidence causes one to emanate value rather than take it. True confidence is more likely to come off as attractive than arrogance.
Arrogant people tend to be scenic and they have the need to show-off. They are mostly loners and tend to keep the people at distance because they are affright being sussed out.
Confidence is a kind of inner glowing. A kind of knowing the answer of the question that most of the people never asked: “Who am I”
I think being arrogant is a person’s way to show that they want to be more bad ass than other people. I think that they do come off confident, but most people don’t want to put up with it. I have a buddy who is a cool guy, but he gets arrogant quite a bit, because he holds over the things that he is better at than me. I could tell him everything that I am better at, but I dont think there is a point to it, I just keep quiet till he is done.
I also think arrogance, is just people being immature, and care too much about what people think of themselves inside, which I think, show’s weakness.
What Jennifer and Tiffany are saying is not the truth in dating. Women will MOST ALWAYS flock to these types of attributes - and arrogant men do get women quite often. Witness it in everyday life, clubs, bars - you name it. Women equate arrogance to confidence. Actually confidence is an overused and misunderstood term. Its really self-assurance we should be talking about. Women always say “I want a confident man” yet will date some jackass that has arrogant overtones in a heartbeat and really is an insecure man. Sorry to burst the bubble but prove me wrong ladies and gents…
While I don’t have an exact opinion on confidence vs arrogance I’d just like to say I agree with Kelso. Many good women DO say “I want a confident man”, and detest arrogant men just like Tiffany, Jennifer and Jody do, but often times they end up with Mr Jackass.
No offence to women and this is just a gross generalisation, but I’m starting to notice a lot that what women say that they want is often different from what they actually choose in reality. This is not to say that all the opinions and sentiments from women here are not to be taken seriously. I do agree with the comments made by them and do believe they genuinely mean what they say. The opinion of women in this field is dynamite for a man developing himself, it’s just a trend I’m noticing now. Mr Arrogant just seems to raise the attraction eye-brow of women over the quiet, humble Mr confident, who doesn’t need to brag or be loud. Mr Arrogant often appears so loud and in your face that poor old Miss selective seems HIM before anything else.
But I’d rather be cool and confident any day over insecure Mr arrogant!
Francis
Kelso, that’s a great point you brought up.
We all probably know someone that has been with the jerk, and from my experience the only women that will fall for this type of guy are the type with insecurities. A truly self-assured girl would not take a guy’s BS. In the whole dating scene, a lot of men see it being black and white like jerk vs. nice guy. But nobody really likes a jerk. Women just like men who don’t put them on a pedestal - guys who aren’t needy after them. “Jerks” do carry this attribute, which is why they do have more success with women than just the nice needy guy, but the best is to be neither the jerk nor the needy guy. Much better to be the self-assured guy who also treats women with respect. The arrogant jerks may get the women in the short term, but this rarely works out for long-term relationships.
Francis, quiet confidence doesn’t mean you have to be a quiet person! ;P You can still be loud and noticeable in a funny/playful way without being arrogant.
I think the main difference between confidence and arrogance is that confidence is being comfortable and proud of expressing yourself, while arrogance is just a mask to cover up your insecurities. A lot of times, i think arrogance is a product of hurt and this causes a person to create a hard exterior to cover their pain, not only trying to convince others that they are strong and confident but also to convince themselves that they’re the shit. Arrogance only leads to more trouble because you become blind and lose your good judgment. When you’re confident, this doesn’t happen, because you’re sure of yourself and you know what you want.
In short, i think arrogance could be defined as being blindly overconfident! :]
Nelson Mandela summed up what I believe is true confidence.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
I play a lot of poker, and the distinction between confidence and arrogance is very analogous to bluffing. It’s typically known that when a player decides to bluff with a WEAK hand, they tend to act STRONGER than normal. Whenever I see a player pushing forward his chips more dramatically and intentionally then usual, a red light goes off - same goes with arrogance.
I believe that confidence has nothing to do with how showy or expressive you are, but rather, the frame you come from. The same action done with a simple shift in mindset results in the little non-verbal discrepancies that separate confidence from arrogance.
Nathan, that’s one of my favorite quotes. But some people may take that to mean we should parade around and shout from the rooftops how great we are.
It reminds me that when we’re being our best, many people will feel inferior at points. When you’re making big moves, there will always be haters who will try and bring you down in order not to feel small around you.
But I believe those who are truly confident will always try to inspire and bring the best out in others, motivating and pushing them to be their best as well.
Arrogance is confidence without humility. No matter how much you have learned you can still learn from others.
Arrogant people block themselves off to feel strong. Confident people are strong enough to open themselves up.
People will call you arrogant when you are confident, and they will also call you confident when you are simply arrogant. Only your own actions decide the difference.
I think it’s relatively easy to confuse confidence for arrogance and vice versa. I think the differences can be subtle. It’s in the person’s overall demeanor, not just the words they say but how they say and even their body language and actions. Like Hirin said, “the same action done with a simple shift in mindset results in the little non-verbal discrepancies that separate confidence from arrogance”.
I think the main difference between a confident guy and an arrogant guy is humility and self-acceptance. Someone who is confidence recognizes his strengths, but also acknowledges his weaknesses as well. A confident person accepts their weaknesses or faults, even though they may not like them. It allows them to handle faults with grace and without further compacting the areas of weakness with arrogance. Someone who is arrogant plays up his strengths while masking their weaknesses. This often leads them to overcompensate by bragging or belittling others.
Like the other females on this thread mentioned, most women are not interested in the arrogant type. But at the same time, many guys that are arrogant are self-assured and have the ability to talk a good game. They are more likely to walk up to a girl and start talking to her. So it’s not so much that women flock to these types of guys as it is these are the guys that are most likely to put themselves out there because they think they can get any woman they want.
So, what if you’re just amazing and you know it? What if you shit talk and follow through with it? Should you just keep it down? Or does the fact that you’re willing to take that kind of pressure reflect confidence in yourself?
I think the real difference is between being condescending and personable. There’s not really any such thing as a personable, arrogant guy.
I think arrogance is in what you say, confidence is in what you dont
Arrogant, Cocky, Confidence and self-assured are all related somehow. It all depends on how you show it.
In my own personal experience, I am a very cocky guy, i like to be cocky in a very playful way, especially around women and just mention how ‘great’ or ‘gorgeous and perfect’ I am, but I do it in a way its funny to them. I am being cocky and arrogant but since I’m not being serious it doesn’t bother people.
Yes, this arrogancy that I learned and started using back when I was 17 was a way to cover up for my own insecurities, but you know what? I actually learned a couple of things about myself and realized that i had no reason to be insecure. So now that arrogance became confidence and I can walk into a room and talk to anyone about anything because of this confidence.
I know who i am and what i can do, i can be cocky, but i am not full of myself there is always so much to learn, even with all my cockiness not once I’ve been called arrogant. Maybe it’s because when it really comes down to my skills Im really humble person and don’t say much about it or brag.
I have a friend that always says ‘you’re tongue is dangerous so be careful’. He’s really good at what he does but he never says he’s good until time comes and you’ll just see it.
So IMO, Bragging makes you arrogant. Displaying your skills/talents without desperately trying to show them, makes you a confident person.
It’s all about knowing who you are and being OK with what you are.
I believe confidence is about having self-respect and self-esteem, and treating others with the respect that you would like to be treated with, even if the other person is being a dick you will seem more powerful and confident because you’re ot lowering yourself to that level. You accomplish self-esteem/self-respect and confidence by doing good things, e.g. helping people, treating people with respect, have consciousness of your words and actions, have courage to say things, etc…
From previous comments I gather that the difference between arrogance and confidence, lies in accepting knowledge of one’s self.
An arrogant person either knows and doesn’t accept themselves, or doesn’t know themselves to begin with.
A confident person both knows themselves and accepts themselves.
Knowledge of self is a necessary condition for confidence, but is not sufficient, whereas acceptance is also necessary and insufficient. It is the combination of knowledge of self and the acceptance of self that generates confidence, anything else simply doesn’t achieve what appears to be the desired goal of confidence, whether quiet or boisterous.
Addressing these two parts, acceptance seems to be the more readily remedied problem. One merely must accept their limitations, and at the same time embrace their strengths; allow themselves to shine, from the quite above.
However, this dichotomy leads to a considerable conundrum, and returns to the deepest question of humanity, how does one know oneself. It appears that knowing oneself, strengths and weaknesses, with a brutal honesty is the key to confidence, and following that a better life.
I struggle with this because I cannot appreciate those skills I have, I know I’m smarter than the average bear, yet how do I compare to the smartest of bears? And I cannot decipher the weaknesses I have, or at least fantasize about what dramatic changes I can make. Someone above mentioned that confidence implies a lack of the need to compare oneself to others, I think this is partially true. All people must compare themselves to others, this is how we know ourselves and differentiate our strengths and weaknesses. The confident person merely takes measure of others and finds themselves to be equal or greater, and does not feel the need to declaim this fact. An arrogant person takes the measure of others and finds themselves lacking and lies about it proclaiming a false reality, or falsely finds themselves of greater worth.
I do not know myself, and am reluctant to take my own measure due to the possibility that I will find myself lacking, thus I overcompensate and appear arrogant. Less my two cents and more my dolla fitty.
Arrogance often (if not always) involves approval seeking. Confidence never does.
By definition arrogance is a “display” of importance or superiority. or an overbearing sense of pride. Confidence is more or less just a sense of believing in yourself. It relates to assurance, which is similar to security. When you’re confident in something, you believe in it, when your confident of yourself, you believe in yourself.
I’m normally a reserved person around people I don’t know, (unless im drunk then I’m friends with everyone by the end of the night hahah) The only time I notice that I’m really arrogant is in a fight. I will walk away from 99% of fights but some is unavoidable. I don’t act arrogant on purpose, I don’t even notice my behavior until afterwards. Then I think to myself “wow.. I was acting like a cocky bastard.” For instance, scoring a knockdown and then walking away casually. Or leaving my guard down and raising my chin when the round already started. Now that is definitely arrogant, yet I’m not insecure about my skill at all. so I don’t think arrogance has to necessarily deal with insecurity. I suppose another word I would associate with arrogance is “overconfidence.” If I was to relate it to the art of war, I would say that to know your own capabilities and those of your opponent, is to be confident. Even if you are confident that you will lose, you are still confident. On the other hand to over estimate yourself, or underestimate your opponent is to be arrogant…Even if you are that much more powerful than you’re opponent. Seems odd to be writing any of this here, but just consider it another point of view. Love and war is not so different right? it’s all F***ed up and usually someone ends up getting shafted. (good and bad I suppose)